I think of who i am. i look at myself in disgust. i think now i would have been 7 months. i would have been happy with you. you would have been my everything. I want you to know that i think about you everyday of my life. i havent forgiven myself for ending your life. maybe i never will. i miss you...i hate myself for doing what i did. i guess everybody told me so. i have only myself to blame. but you have to know that i love you more than anything. maybe one day i will get killed for killing you. ill get hit by a bus or tourchered to death. im sorry for everything i couldnt do. i look at people with babies and they are so amazing,so little. i think about you. i think about how if i would have just sucked it up and tried..you would still be in my tummy. you would have my eyes or my ears..your little hands would be holding on. loving me before you were even alive. i love you so much...i just want you to know that i did what i had to do. and i am trying more than ever now because of you. im in college now. im going one more step further than rn. im going to be a nurse practitioner. and when i have your brother or sister i wont ever forget you. But it was for the best. i promise if i wasnt so scared for who i was...who he was. i would have stuck it out..i would be having the best thing to ever happen to me in december. i feel lost without you. but im working so hard. saving up..proving that i really am worth something. I wish i could be holding you right now...loving your smile and your little feet. but you are with god now...you must really be something. all the angels are up there..all wanting to hold you. to love you. you were never a mistake..you just came at the wrong time. please know that i had to have my life before i could have yours. but i could have had you. i love you more than the air in this world..higher than outer space. you will always be in my heart. i know god will love you more than anyone else has. and one day....one day i will hopefully see what you would have been. maybe our souls will meet and you can hate me or you can be with me. i love you baby. you were and still are my life. one day i will prove to you that what i did was for the best. i will make something of myself. i will never forget you.

love,
your mommy

I want to remember. I want to remember everything about danny. The way he smiles at me when he sees me, or the way hes bald in two places on his head but it deff. makes him so much hotter. the way he can be serious and funny,although he hates being serious. I love that when i touch him he twitches and then looks at me to see if i noticed. i love the taste of his kiss and his lips. feeling his hand on my face twirling his finger in my hair. kissing my forehead and taking my hand in his and holding it up to his mouth. i love how he isnt rushing his life,and hes 29 and taking life as it comes. hes not married and hes fine with it. someday he hopes to have a good life with somebody perfect. hes got goals for himself..he makes himself look good. takes care of himself. hes ultimately perfect in my eyes. when i kiss him its like heaven. and when he looks at me my stomach gets butterflies and i want to touch him. to hold him..for him to be mine. i feel like ive lost the battle, ive lost him already and i havent even had him yet. ive spent three days with him..its like seeing someone that could possibly be the love of your life and not being able to hold his hand. watching him want u just as badly as you want him but because of who we are, its impossible to be together. i wish i could be there..instead im living a nightmare back at home. back where every thing that could go bad..does. back where i cant stop talking to dumb boys who only want sex. ive gotten rid of three of them but it wasnt easy. calling me a slut and saying they didnt want it anyway. well maybe its true, but honestly atleast im trying now. i wish i wasnt with drew..hes an amazing guy. but i dont love him. i dont want to love him. and i cant stand to see him cry,or look at me and hurt the way he does. this drives me crazy. i do love him but im not in love with him. ive told him a thousand times but everytime gets harder cause somehow when he looks at me i tell him not to go. not to leave me..to stay here and hold me. im lost in my own little world. and dannys prob. not even feeling the same way i feel. i wish things would just work out the way i want them to. just for once.

as for now..im gonna try to just be myself and see what happens.
-amanda